humor, parenting, thoughts

Serial Killers and Parenting Styles

OK, in keeping with the first seven entries of this blog, I’m going to reveal another honest fact about myself. This is kind of fun, it’s as if you and I are playing this never ending game of truth or dare… except I’m the one revealing all the truths. I think I just do it to get out of the dare of making me run around the block naked, which I’m sure you are going to dare me to do.

But here is my nugget of honesty, not really a huge one today, but I LOVE learning about serial killers. I LOVE it! It’s been my secret obsession from a very young age. One of my favorite things, when I was a kid, was around Halloween time when The Biography Channel would run the biographies of all of the “heavy hitter” serial killers, Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffery Dahmer. I was twelve and could not stop watching.

For a long time, I thought this was some dark little secret. Even people who meet me are surprised when I can rattle off names of really obscure ones and talk about the horrible crimes they committed. I seem like such an upbeat person. I seem so happy all the time. How could I be so obsessed with such horrible things and people? I think it’s because people’s motivations fascinate me, especially motivations to make people into flesh lamps and sofas.

At night, I clean a daycare center and have over four hours to listen to whatever I want as I don’t have any co-workers. Guess what I’ve been listening to? Podcasts about serial killers! My this time I bet you’re wondering, what does any of this depravity have to do with parenting?

Well, since I had my son, this strange obsession has taken on new meaning. Before, I would read or watch things about these people and think, what a strange natural occurrence it must have been to produce someone capable of such terrible things! Now I’m thinking, what in the name of all that’s holy can I do so this doesn’t happen to Henry.

If I tell him that he needs to eat with his fork, will he become fork obsessed and roam the streets looking for ways to hack into people with little owl forks? If I don’t give in to temper tantrums, will this mean that he will be in constant need of attention and will get attention by using dental floss like a piece of piano wire on people’s throats? What if every time I tell him that it’s time to put the pots and pans away, he secretly vows that, once he’s older, he puts the pots and pans away in someones skull? Ah, the worries of a parent.

But, as I told you I have been doing extensive research on this topic as I vacuum the floors and change the diaper pails at the daycare center. I am here to tell you what you should probably not do as a parent if you want your child to avoid multiple life sentences and funny smells in his/her basement.

You probably shouldn’t hang your child’s urine stained sheets out the window and call him “Gary Pee Pants” as a way to humiliate him about wetting the bed. It’s probably a better idea to get some Goodnites or invest in a covering for his mattress.

You probably should try to have a one on one talk if your fourteen year old son comes home reeking of alcohol with the remains of a newly dissected fetal pig in his backpack. Also, continuing on this bent, this said child, should then not be forced to live by himself for months on end in a creepy secluded house on a hill.

And lastly, if your three year old takes all of the knives in the kitchen and places them carefully under the sheets of his aunt’s bed with all of the sharp ends facing her, it might be time to dial a child psychologist.

Doesn’t it seem so much easier now? This whole parenting thing? You follow those three simple rules and your child will grow up to be a perfect member of society. Right?

Well, anyway, I have to go, my son is telling me he’s having a friend over for dinner and I want to make sure all the cutlery and seasoning is out of his reach.


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