Pregnancy dreams are the craziest things! Last night, I had a dream that I was trapped in a crumbling building with an aged Billy Crystal and neither of us could find a way out. I’m not really sure what the universe wanted me to glean from this, but it hasn’t been my first vivid dream since being pregnant.
The ones that sit with me the most are the ones that I wish were true the most, the ones that have my dad in them. I’ve decided to write more about my dad for a Burlington VT Mom’s blog. I think these dreams will be something that I’ll miss after the pregnancy has ended as pregnancy dreams seem so real. It’s like we have more time together, even if it’s only in my subconscious.
My father’s death had a huge impact on me, as any parents death usually does. But I think the thing that really hit me was how fast he was here and then he wasn’t. I try to put myself in his place all the time. What was that morning like for him before his accident? Was he having a good morning? Was he talking and joking with co-workers and students? What did he eat for breakfast? Did he even have breakfast at all or was he too busy? Whatever the answers to these questions might be, the real conclusion that I always come to is that my father had no clue when he opened his eyes that was to be his last day on earth.
I questioned a lot after his passing too. I questioned religion, our place in the universe, after life, all of it. There are days when I get a cold blast of wind on my face or get drenched in the rain and wonder if my dad is missing all of this. I wonder if he’s missing feeling these every day sensations that I take for granted or complain about all the time. Isn’t that a funny thing to think about? My dad missing the freezing cold or dodging raindrops? But it gets in my head every once and a while. I always wish I could ask him.
But I know exactly what he would say and it’s the reason for so many of the choices I make, including starting a family. He would tell me that life is a wonderful thing, every piece of it, but it’s over way too fast. If you want to do something, do it now. He would tell me that when he woke up that morning, his mind was filled with plans, plans for the day, plans for the month, plans for the rest of his life, plans that he was never able to achieve.
This is a roller coaster that we’re all on, all of life is. Normally roller coasters have a clear beginning and end. Well, we can all look at baby pictures to see where the beginning was for us, but, as we all know, there aren’t any pictures or indicators to really know where the end of the roller coaster is. There are so many tremendous dips and turns and scary moments, but, when we get off, I bet we would all be clambering to get right back in line to go again. I know my dad would have. My dad loved life, all the aspects of it and because of that, lived every moment to the fullest. He never wasted a second. It was almost like he knew he wouldn’t have long for this world.
Dad, I don’t know how long I have or where this roller coaster will take me. But I want you to know that I’m loving the ride and… I’ll see you in my dreams.