He’s walking away. Wow, he’s never done that before. He’s never just thrown his hands up and walked away. This time must have been really bad. I can’t leave the car. I’ll probably sit here the rest of my life or until tomorrow morning when he needs it to get to work. Why do words have to be so permanent?
So, can you guess what the heck just happened? Yup, if you guessed a hormonal raging female has lashed out at her husband during what was meant to be a nice afternoon out with their son, you’re dead right.
I can’t even remember what I had said. What was the thing that pushed him over the edge, had him take Henry and walk away from the car? Man, I can’t even pin point one thing. I was saying so many nonsensical words and phrases, each one meaner than the last. But even as they were coming out of my mouth I was thinking, stop, stop, none of this makes any sense. You don’t really feel this way at all, stop!
But on and on my hormonal mouth goes, spewing out non-truths and sarcastic come backs (I get that from my dad). Andy is just sitting behind the steering wheel internalizing it all and Henry sits in his car seat reciting “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”.
This has been the worst part of the entire pregnancy. I haven’t felt sick the entire time and we haven’t had to deal with any scares about the baby. But this, these constant roller coaster rides of emotions have really put all three of us through the paces. I didn’t remember them being this bad when I was pregnant with Henry.
I think the worst moment we had with Henry was a time I had spent the morning sewing baby clothes and had made a little black baby hat. I showed the hat to Andy and asked him what he thought. When he said that he liked the design, but had never seen a black baby hat before, I chucked the hat at him and went into the bedroom to cry. This one was so clearly hormones that I could easily identify it and tell Andy that I needed a “time out” and he was more than happy to give it to me.
But this time, it’s been tough. I think that it might be one of the reasons why being a stay-at-home mother can be tricky. When you’re at work and having a bad day, you can work your problems out by throwing yourself into a big project or confiding in a co-worker, both things I would do when I was pregnant with Henry. But when you’re home all day and feeling the hormones build, it gets complicated. You can’t take them out on your child, though there were times when I let Henry watch “1, 2, 3, Count With Me” more times than I would have wanted because I needed some breathing room. But you try your hardest to be calm and positive for them because they wouldn’t understand. It builds all day waiting for the person who CAN handle it… your partner.
This time Andy has been the sounding board or whipping boy for all of the emotions. There’s been no co-workers or bosses (sorry Bonnie) to take the brunt of it during the day. I have to say that he’s had more patience with me than I can sum up here. Maybe living with a two year old has something to do with it. Normally he just went silent and let me get it all out or he would say,
“Do you want me to say something here?” or my personal favorite, “what should I say when these things start up?”
But this time, the walk away from the car time, this was the first time, since I was pregnant, that he didn’t want to be any where near me. To watch your partner and best friend walk away from you in anger and not know what’s going to happen next is a horrible feeling. In the back of my mind, I knew that hormones had played a huge role in it and that it would be OK, but right then, I wasn’t sure it would be. I was crying in the front seat and wishing I had just taken a minute to myself before opening my mouth when I heard a tap on the window. It was the best sound in the world. There was Andy with Henry in his arms. He had come back. I kept my mouth shut and opened the door.
This is going to happen, folks. From the minute you choose the person that you feel you are meant to be with, it’s a constant journey to figure out that other person. Andy and I have been married for almost ten years and there are still things that we’re finding out about each other. But guess what, you don’t really know that person you sleep with every night until you have kids with them. You see sides of them that you never knew where there, sometimes sides you wish you never knew where there. Kids can test a relationship like nothing else and you just hope and pray that the person you’re tethered with knows how to tie knots as good, if not better, than you.
So thank you partners of pregnant women, you are the unsung heroes. When people are offering their seats up to us and opening doors, it seems there’s no one there to help you. When we’re freaking out about nothing because our hormones are raging through the roof, you are meant to take it all in and constantly remind yourself that we aren’t meaning any of it. And when we’re delivering our children and scared, you have to be that steady hand to hold, even when you might need a hand to hold as much, if not more than we do.
Thank you partners and Andy, for being that hand through all of this crazy journey. You’ll never know how much it all means to us!