Why do baby cries have to sound so terrible? Warning this is the post of a woman who started the day off looking in the mirror after taking a shower (Yes!) feeling like I had the world by the tail and ended the day feeling like the world had me.
I think this feeling is the new norm for me for a little while. I’ve posted on social media that things were feeling easier and then the next day regretted it. One step forward, two steps back. It’s slow going but damn it all if that tortoise did win the race at the end of that story.
The other day I was at the playground with Henry and I was chatting with a mother who had a newly two year old girl and was expecting her second in three weeks. She turned to me and said,
“How is it? You can be honest. All of my friends have said that it’s really hard.” I breathed a sigh of relief at this. I didn’t want to be the one to say it. But her friends were right. This is hard. This is harder than I thought it was going to be… at times.
That’s the key to this whole experience. At times this is so hard. Having two kids. There are days, like this afternoon, that I feel jealous of my husband going off to work. I had those same days with Henry at the beginning. I look over at the woman and say,
“Yeah, we’re treading water. We’re not breast stroking yet, but we’re not drowning.” That’s how I feel so far. There are moments when I think that having two kids, a house of kids, a car of kids, a mind of kids is the best thing in the world. Then there are still moments when I think, what in God’s name did I do?
Wren was born and instantly got a head cold due to the fact that EVERYONE at home was sick when she was born. Our first weeks home with her found us doing round the clock sessions of steam baths and sucking her nose out with a Swedish aspirator. (More about this wonderful product for a product review). Then she developed thrush, something that Henry had, but this is being really stubborn in leaving.
On top off all of that, Henry starts preschool in the fall and needs to be potty trained and I was struggling to kick that off too. Big mistake. Potty training takes a lot of patience, patience that my sleep levels are not affording me right now. So it will have to wait.
The house looks like Yucca flats and there’s nothing I can do about. Nothing. The minute I start to try to get some cleaning done during the day, one of the minions needs something. Feeding or a diaper change or just some one on one interaction which seems in short supply.
Wren still isn’t sleeping in her bassinet at night. She prefers to sleep on us still and so that means that Andy and I are still doing our split up the night shifts, which means that I haven’t slept with my husband in almost two months. It’s amazing how much you miss any form of physical contact when it’s completely gone. A hug is incredible. I used to laugh at services that give you a person to cuddle with, no longer, I completely get it now.
I watch the sun come up through the living room window, it’s always incredible with my baby daughter asleep on my chest. I have another half hour before my son wakes up and we start all over.
But you know something reader, as pessimistic as this blog may sound and I’m aware that it sounds pretty damn pessimistic, I’m still looking at the glass as half full. When my son gets up in the morning I sneak Wren into her bassinet and walk into Henry’s room. He’s always singing some song and smiling at me. I pick him up out of his crib and hold him, just hold him in the brief silence of his room. He lays his head on my shoulder and smiles. Before Wren was born, I never did this. I never took time to breath with him in the morning, just enjoy his presence. He has become easy to please in the middle of all of this and so have I.
A hug can be amazing and the fact that I have two children that, at some point, can be made happy with just that give me the power to keep going.