pregnancy, thoughts

Selfish Me: Thoughts Towards the End of a Pregnancy

I never in a million years thought that I would be saying this, but, I’m getting a little sad that this pregnancy is coming to an end. Can you believe it? After all of the blogs about being tired and having to “dig deep, you’d think I’d be ticking off the days until “D” day. And trust me, there have been moments and days when that’s been the case. But this week, the enormity of the whole thing ending has hit me.

This is it. This is the last blast. This is the last time this uterus of mine is taken out for a spin by a passenger. Factory is closing after March and the workers (my pregnancy hormones) are heading out to retire o n Venice Beach. Ahhhh, the beach.

But there she is in there. She’s safe, has never felt pain or heart break, never wanted for anything or felt cold. There’s peace in that. Henry is out in the world and I see him take spills almost daily. There are colds and stomach bugs, teething pain and temper tantrums from frustration. He has suffered the blows from “being”, already at two. But this little girl, right now, has no concept of any of those things. It’s nice to think that one of my children is pain free and happy 24 hours a day.

Then there’s the other part of it, the part that catches me even more than her being safe. The selfish part of me. I’ll have to share her. Right now she’s mine. I know, I know, Andy had a little something to do with her being here too. But right now, I’m the only one carrying her, caring for her, feeling her move. She’s my little secret. My little friend that kicks me to let me know that I’m never alone, even when I’m working at Kids and Fitness alone.

Once she’s born, other people can hold her and comfort her. Other people can feed her, play with her and interact with her. It’s the first time I have to give her up to the world. She’s no longer just mine. Crazy, huh? How selfish is that? It’s almost like I’m going to be keeping her in a huge ventilated jar in the basement…. not like I’ve ever thought of that… ever…. maybe once…. or twice.

This pregnancy, like all pregnancies has been a roller coaster and this week, even though I’m tired and it’s actually really tricky to get a toddler’s snowsuit on while reaching over an enormous stomach, I’m not ready to get out of my car just yet.

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