Something funny happened to me on the way home from work tonight. I passed by the Dunkin’ Donuts on Shelburne Road, which was completely closed and a thought came to my head… what if…
What if, I pulled a U-Turn, and parked in the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. Then I take my ice scraper and smash in one of the windows. Then, after removing my clothes, because sex sells, I proceed to turn on all of the lights and start baking some donuts.
There’s no doubt that the place must be armed or at least have a multitude of security cameras. There’s also a huge chance that some passerby, there are many on Shelburne Road, would drive by and see a completely naked pregnant woman dancing around a closed Dunkin’ Donuts, making jelly filleds and munchkins with a busted window in the front and call the cops. This is my plan exactly.
The word will spread on the police scanners that there is a naked pregnant woman hell bent on making donuts on Shelburne Road and the police cars will deploy. But, the best part of the entire thing is that the news stations are also privy to everything that goes over police scanners and soon the news vans will follow suit behind the cruisers. Perfect, all is going according to plan.
The cops and the news crews will show up and there I’ll be, in all my glory, screaming from the top of my lungs,
“It was time to make the donuts! Don’t you see? It was just time to finally make the donuts!” And I will be seized, cameras rolling and taken to the police station for questioning.
At the police station, I’ll be given a blanket to cover up and asked all kinds of mentally probing questions like,
“What made you redirect yourself from simply going home tonight and bake naked in a closed Dunkin’
Donuts?” I will remain silent, after all, I’m no stool pigeon. But! While all of this is going on, the news will have aired my story, obviously blurring out the “sensitive” bits and the story will go viral. The plan continues to progress perfectly.
I am let out of the police station with a hefty fine for the broken window, stolen donuts and maybe a trespassing charge. But! When I get home, my phone is loaded full of messages left by TV stations who want to interview me in the morning concerning the, now, over one million viewed YouTube video of my arrest. There’s even a message from Matt Lauer himself. I, of course, except, knowing full well that each of those interviews will include a check at the end.
I make my way through the interview circuit, hitting up Fallon, Letterman and Kimmel. The entire time banking each and every one of my appearance checks, not touching a cent.
I later go on to write a number one best-seller called, “Time to Make the Donuts: One Woman’s Sweet Romp to Success” and even get a chance to stand next to Ryan Seacrest right before the ball drops on Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve (They still call it that even though he’s passed). I bank all the money from the book sales and the ball drop and then, once my fifteen minutes of fame have ended, I’m back to being me with millions of dollars in the bank for my family.
I had reached this point of the plan in my mind when some flashing lights on a car scared me into hitting the brake pedal and slowing down. It turned out to be a Green Mountain Power truck working on some lines. It was then that I realized the only flaw in my plan. I am far too “apple pie” to ever carry out such an amazing plan. But it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?
I once heard a story about a woman actually beating up a police officer just to be put in prison so that she could quit her smoking habit. Now that lady is not “apple pie” and I am not that lady. So I guess Andy and I will have to go about making ends meet the old fashion way and save the cool YouTube arrests for other people.
Boy, I hope that my son and daughter know that I love them enough to strip naked and break into a closed Dunkin’ Donuts for the cause of their future… or at the very least contemplate it.