humor, pregnancy

The “Bang Bang”: I’m Stupid

Fair warning, this blog will contain graphic detail of bodily functions and should not be read in the presence of food or by those with a weak constitution.

What is a “Bang Bang”? Those of you who are fans of the awesome TV show “Louie” will get the reference, but for those who don’t a “Bang Bang” is eating one whole meal of a certain type of food, i.e. Indian and then immediately eating another entire meal of made up of a new food type, i.e. diner. So to a pregnant woman, this can just seem like a typical day, but I hadn’t had the real chance to try it yet, nor did I really want to… until Saturday night.

That day, Andy and I had found a gift card to Hannafords for 50 dollars given to us by his parents some years ago and, being on a tight budget, decided that this is an omen to try our own version of the “Louie” Bang Bang.

“You should go to the store and buy a bunch of things that we can’t afford to get normally and after Henry goes to bed, we can sit up and eat them all.” Says Andy.

“Yeah! Like the “Louie” Bang Bang!” Says stupid me.

So off I go and load up a cart full of things I always want to get but don’t, 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, sparkling cider, Cabot sharp cheddar, BIG wheat thins, 2 bars of Lake Champlain Chocolate and a huge jug of Odwalla Superfood (to add some healthy element to the evening).

Henry goes to bed and the decadence begins. The living room begins to resemble a palace in ancient Rome. We’re lounging on the couch, watching trash TV (Wife Swap) and splitting the ice cream pints in half, stuffing cheese into every crevice of our mouths and clinking glasses of sparkling cider. Seriously, when I look back at the things we ate, we could have fed three children in a third world with the calorie count we consumed. Well, there goes another notch on that report to send me to Hell.

We stayed up late, even though our son has been getting up at 5AM and it was glorious. We were throwing caution to the wind and it felt great… until 3AM.

I got up to use the bathroom and it soon became clear that my body was rejecting the Bang Bang and hard! My stomach began making sounds that have only been heard when they open the door of some ancient tomb after thousands of years being sealed and the pain was stabbing and not going away.

Am I in labor? Is this preterm labor? Oh God! What have I done? Maybe Wren is in there thinking, if this is the way this is going to be I’m getting the H out of here. Nope, after googling what labor pains feel like (I never went into labor with Henry) I come to the conclusion that these pains are based off nothing but stupidity.

We go about our lives, visit Andy’s parents and I still feel horrible, like there’s a huge anvil dangling over me just waiting to crash.

When we get home, it does.

I rush to the bathroom and grab a trash can because I have the feeling that this culinary mistake is not going to be using just one exit strategy. I was right, for once during this whole experience. More liquids were flying out of me than Linda Blair in the exorcist and it wasn’t stopping. I could hear my son’s sweet voice reading his bedtime stories in the living room, a strange juxtaposition to the horror occurring a mere five feet away.

I hear Andy bring Henry to bed and come out, trash can of puke in my hand, hair like Doc Brown’s and face as white as sheet.

This is one of the reasons I love my husband, he took the trash can of puke without even thinking, cleaned it out and went about sanitizing the entire apartment. Today he took the day off of work to take care of Henry and let me sleep as much as I wanted, buying ginger ale and making me toast.

Here’s the “what did I learn” portion of this blog. I learned that Bang Bangs are not meant for rookies or women with reduced stomach space due to unborn children. I also learned, as I learn every day, that Andy is an amazing man and any man who can clean out an entire trash can of his wife’s puke without thinking, is a keeper.

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