humor, mental health, motherhood, parenting

I Held a Newborn Without Wanting to Throw Up

The other day something amazing happened! Did I win a million dollars in the lottery? No. Did I save a small boy from a well? Nope. Did I cure some horrible disease? Sorry, world, no.

I held a newborn and didn’t feel like throwing up.

Full disclosure, it was someone else’s newborn and not my own, but there was a time when I couldn’t even be in the same room as one without the chunks starting to rise.

Newborns are strong coffee for me, as my previous blogs will attest to. Both of my kids sent me into a hard tailspin when they were born. I remember celebrating my son’s second birthday while pregnant with my daughter, a friend of ours came with her newly born son and while everyone was playing pass the baby, I was trying to find a small paper bag to breath into.

Now one could argue that I was simply seeing first hand the impending doom that was growing in my uterus at the time and my sub conscience, or even conscience, was trying to do some self care before that atomic bomb was dropped on me. But I still maintain, that like a Vietnam veteran might have some trouble walking through a jungle, I had some major PTSD when it came to making contact with another floppy headed newborn.

When I saw them in the supermarket, I never looked at them and long for another one. I saw them and said to myself,

“Get that thing as far away from me as possible. Don’t let it touch me and infect me with it’s helplessness and soul sucking sleep allergy, lest it be transferred to my own older children.”   And I would always feel like giving my condolences to the tired parents, as if they were grieving.

With both of my kids, I think I was.

But the other day, I held a newborn and nothing happened. There wasn’t that horrible pain in my chest and there weren’t any vivid flash backs. No panic attacks, nothing. I held that little helpless baby and for the first time in years was actually able to see him as what most of the world sees him as, a bundle of hopes and dreams for the future.

Now I’m not sure if this was a fluke. I might start gagging again the next time I hold another one and please don’t feel the need to bring your own newborns by to test the theory. I would rather slowly assimilate myself back into the newborn population and test the water.

I held one newborn and didn’t feel like puking, way more than I could say last year at this time. There maybe hope for me coming full circle yet.


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