Well, folks, I’m back at it. I made a doctor’s appointment for MYSELF today. I kind of forgot that was even a thing. But that’s probably the reason I’m making it in the first place… I kind of forgot that we parents need to physically take care of ourselves too.
I’ll be honest, for the past month or so, something has been “off”. I find I’m constantly tired, my emotions are banging around more than two kids in amusement park bumper cars and then there’s this horrible thing, the lack of patience and irritation. It feels like I’m PMSing none stop. One minute I’m manically cleaning and organizing, the next I’m flinging a tiny kid sized rolling pin at our closet door. This rollercoaster ain’t fun and I want off.
I’ve lost the enthusiasm I once had for this job. There was a time I actually remember looking forward to spending time with my kids. Now I wake up with the weight of the day on my shoulders.
My husband has been amazing. He feels like I just need a break and has been giving them to me right and left. But the things that normally help me, haven’t been working.
This Thursday I have an appointment with my doctor. This isn’t the mother I want to be for my children. This isn’t the wife I want to be for my husband. This isn’t the me I want to be for myself.
A few months ago, I took myself off of my prescription for Effexor, with my doctor’s help. The pill made me numb to everything and, while I miss those days sometimes, I feel like feeling the full range of emotions is beneficial for my marriage and I.
I wonder if this is the start of remedicating again, not with Effexor, but with something else. Maybe I do simply need to be back on some form of medicine.
If someone has high blood pressure, sometimes they can control it with diet and exercise and sometimes they can’t.
Depression is no different.
I thank God that I live in modern civilization where I can get the help I need if I am one of “can’ts”.
But who knows, maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s lack of sleep or a diet change, a simple tweak to get the train back on the tracks.
But whatever the answer turns out being on Thursday, I’m already feeling more stable since making the appointment.
Each of us are given these crazy machines we call bodies. One thing can be off, just like any machine and the whole thing goes kabloey!
I’m willing to do the diagnostics needed to feel better for myself and I hope you will too when or if the time comes.