It’s working already.
I don’t think it was supposed to work this fast. It could all be placebo, but, whatever it is, is working already.
Last Thursday, I finally went to the doctor to see what was “up” with me. The mood swings, the fatigue, the anxiety. The train was going off the tracks and quickly.
After a blood panel and a mental health questionnaire, it was deemed that I had a low iron and vitamin D count as well as some serious serotonin level issues.
I’m back on meds. Effexor wasn’t for me, at least I knew that. So I was put on Celexa.
The weekend was busy and I didn’t have time to pick up my prescription. I should have made time.
For me depression feels like the box that so many other people talk about. A dirty, filmy glass box. I can see the world slightly and get the sense that it’s fun and amazing to be a part of, but the dirty glass (I.e. social anxiety, general anxiety and depression) keeps me from it.
The process I’m in now is the “Windex” phase. Someone has handed me Windex and a cloth and I am slowly making small round circles with my hand on that glass. I’m slowly cleaning it off, inch by inch.
As more dirt and film come clean, I can see the outside much more clear. I can even start to see a place for me outside the box. A Meredith shaped placeholder.
I gives me more motivation to clean the rest of the glass and maybe, if I’m lucky, break out of it.
I’m not going to fool myself into thinking that every day I’ll progress. Some days, you wake up without anymore Windex. But I’m hoping the ratio is right and I keep cleaning more than not.
The good thing is that this is a well worn path for me. I have confidence I can make it to the end and be walking across shards of glass like some spiritual quest coal walker before I know it.
But until then, here’s to all of us glass cleaners, hoping to become glass breakers.